I know it’s over, but I can’t end it. It’s a familiar feeling. I’m sad, I’m pre-lonely, and I’m mad at myself. Mad at myself for being a coward. Not ending it sooner. But we have been trying to fix things; we’ve put in more of an effort than I ever have. At least it gives me something to point to, to use as an explanation, an excuse.

What would I want? My most important requirement is met: that they be a good person. But beyond that, I’d want someone who stimulates me intellectually, who keeps up with me physically. Someone I’m intimidated by from time to time. Someone who pushes me. Someone I’m scared to lose.

I’m always safe with the people I choose, friends and relationships alike. It’s not healthy. I am so easily intimidated by people; I run from people who intimidate me, feeling like I can’t even stand in their shadow. But I need to not run.