Journal

I think a lot about what happens after. I’ll be alone. Without her, my social structure collapses a good amount. I have regular things I go to that I’ll keep going to. But there tons of people I’ll stop seeing as frequently, or entirely. Her friends, I won’t see, of course. But even some of my friends, I generally only find tolerable with her around, these days. I find them tolerable because she likes them. Will they become her friends? Will I even want to see them?

Friendships will feel pretty hollow, I imagine. They already do. They’ll feel even moreso in light of the relationship which just ended.

Will it feel weird, living in this city alone?

I don’t look forward to dating. In fact, I wish I could say I’d just avoid it entirely. But I’ll want sex, at the very least. And so that will bring me to the apps.

I don’t want to be alone. But I don’t want this. This is wonderful in many ways, but incomplete and not right.